It’s that time of the year, folks. Outlandish news, imaginary products unveilings, and outrageous announcements – tech companies are trying to one-up each other with the wildest April Fools’ day hoaxes. Some have even jumped the gun by a day, or in the case of OnePlus, by a few weeks.
If you don’t have the time or patience to sift through all the fake news today, we’re doing the hard work for you. Here’s what transpired so far.
The Google Chrome team thinks it’s too damn hard to share what you really feel when you read the news online. So it’s fixing things with a new feature available now in the Chrome for Android app. Chrome Selfie lets you take a selfie, along with a screenshot of whatever you’re reading, and send it to whomever you want. Handy! All kidding aside, we can totally see some cash-flush venture-funded startup trying to make this into a real product.
Google Japan thinks the best way to spur the adoption of Google Now is to put Google’s virtual assistant in a cute and fluffy panda body. They even got bigwig Chris Yerga to introduce in on stage at a press conference where Android Authority has, somehow, not been invited.
Google Panda has three main functions: cuteness (“soft, rounded design”), mobility (it hugs you!), and durability (fluffy fur absorbs shock! if only smartphones had fur as well…). More about the groundbreaking new Google Panda here.
Google party horn keyboard
Typing is too hard! How about if, instead of pushing inconvenient keys, you could spell out words by blowing into a party horn? Not satisfied with Panda alone, the Google Japan team is introducing a Bluetooth-enabled party horn that will make tedious key pushing a memory.
Google Smartbox by Inbox
“Introducing a new way to interact with the mail you love. The good old-fashioned kind of mail that you touch with your hands… and smell with your nose.” Thank you Inbox team!
Moto Selfie Stick
Hipsters of the world, rejoice. You will definitely appreciate Motorola’s new product: handmade, leather-bound, custom selfie sticks. Because when you have to embarrass yourself with a selfie stick, you should at least do it in style.
T-Mobile Pets Unleashed
Your carrier hates puppies! So put it in the doghouse and switch to T-Mobile, where Pets Unleashed lets your favorite furry friends get their paws on their dream devices, starting at five bucks a month. What would your pet do with a smartphone or tablet, you ask? Easy – swipe through Pet Tinder, use FitPet, and watch zebra porn. Yes, really.
Microsoft has had a hard time with its mobile operating system, so it’s going back to basic with MS-DOS Mobile. Black and white text has never looked so good! Launch apps or send messages, with a simple text command!
Visit r/Android today, that bastion of all things blessed by Duarte (okay, that’s r/AndroidCircleJerk actually) and you’ll be in for a nasty surprise. At least r/Apple users are probably just as confused.
Imagination PowerVR Vogue GPU – it can run Crysis!
“Yeah, but can it run Crysis?” That perennial favorite question of trolls everywhere now finally has a resounding “Yes!” answer, thanks to Imagination. The chip designer just unveiled a mobile GPU that can run Crysis, and only that. Look at those graphics! Plus, more cool features like Vogue magazine caching, the Romulan API (will “further decrease the efficiency of graphics and compute on modern GPUs, providing no control over GPU acceleration for minimized performance and absolutely no predictability”), and a 1000-bit CPU.
Samsung Exynos ExoBoost
You can’t ever have too many cores in your phone, am I right? If you feel inadequate in this department, Samsung Exynos is here to help you, with the new ExoBoost, a line of add-ons that give your phone some extra processing oomph. Again, this is something quite a few people would buy.
HTC Re Sok
HTC is all-in on wearables and connected living. The company’s “newest feet of engineering” is a pair of smart socks featuring notifications, GPS pairing (never lose one again), and hole alerts. Available in true black, stealth, and midnight (yay for options!), Re Sok make all other socks look dumb.
The self-browsing Chromebook
Google tries really hard to remove all friction from browsing, and the new self-browsing Chromebook is the biggest innovation in this area yet. All you have to do is click-once, and the Chromebook will write blog posts, earn high scores in every online game, manage your finances, and even run for President. Nifty!
Google Fiber dial-up mode
Google Fiber (1Gbps) is so fast it takes away those precious little moments when you wait for a video to cache or for a web page to render or a game to load. You know… pee break. So Google Fiber is bringing them back, with the new dial-up mode.
CyanogenMod powered by Microsoft
You might recall earlier this year that rumors suggested Microsoft was considering investing in Cyanogen Inc, leading to all sorts of crazy predictions about how MS and CM might team up to take on Google. Taking a jab at all the rumor mongering that went on, Cyanogen snuck a few changes into its latest nightly build for the Nexus 6.
As you can see, not only does the build say its powered by Microsoft, it’s also replaced the app drawer icon with the MS logo.
Updating with more silliness as it comes! Missed anything? Tell us in the comments.