Today I’m going to deviate from a news report, and bring you a coffee break chuckle instead.
We have to admit it, the Google Play Store is not quite as well vetted and filtered as Apple’s App Store is. From time to time, some ridiculous (in a bad way) “apps” make their way in Google’s catalog, including one of the silliest categories - the “Solar Charger” apps.
Of course, anyone who knows anything about smartphones (or anything running on batteries in fact) will realize that a screen cannot act as a solar energy collector. And most of the “Solar Charger” apps on the Play Store warn users in their description that they don’t actually work. In other words, leaving your device in the sun will never recharge its battery, no matter what apps you have installed.
So, there are useless apps in the Play Store. What’s noteworthy in that? Nothing. Except the ad-hoc communities of trolls that rate the apps with five stars and offer glowing reviews, that are in many cases, hilarious. Here are some of the best for Solar Charger. You’ve got to admire these people for going to the trouble of writing these. They’re unedited and straight from the Reviews page.
Solar Charger can be used to turn an Asus Transformer into a solar cell that can power a home
Downloaded fine and installed perfectly. I am an engineer experienced in pv cells, so I went to radio shack and bought some stuff, installed my Asus transformer onto my roof, and now I can power my hair dryer and one 23W cfl simply with this app! Incredible..you guys should win a Nobel by figuring out how to do this silicon and boron free! – Alison, April 15th.
Solar Charger will turn your phone into a taser
Amazing phone charged in hours!!! Not only that I then plugged my phone to connect my laptop to the internet and power it at the same time! Later when a cold caller came round I plugged a broken power lead into my phone activated the app and tasered the bloke. Brilliant app! – Michael, April 13th
Solar Charger will protect you against ghosts
I have no idea how but it does, see I ran over a flying pig and was stranded in the middle of La La Land with a nearly dead phone. Luckily I carry a 5 foot fluorescent light in my pocket and holy $#/+ it charged my phone enough to call the ghostbusters to come and save me!!!! Kudos!!!!! Love the app keep up the good work!!! – Tristan
Solar Charger will help you fight off Chuck Norris
After downloading this app I was able to fight off Chuck Norris,.Edward from Twilight, and I lost 600 pounds in two hours! AMAZING! – Pamela
Solar Charger will help you conceive
Not only did this app work really well, but my wife and I conceived immediately after installation – something the Dr said was impossible due to my not having genitals. Nice. – Matt
Solar Charger will help you reconnect with your estranged family
So, I have been blessed with a Samsung Galaxy S II, but my friends see it as an arcade. I remember distinctly, it was my mother’s 3rd wedding and my car broke down, but my battery level was non-existent. Alas, with no way to tell my mother I would be late, I thought myself dissowned and cut out of the will. However, a shining beacon of light came down from the sky and shone on me. I remembered I had downloaded this app and my relationship with my mother had been saved. I called her and all was well. – Cathy
Solar Charger will help deliver babies
This app was a life saver! On my way to give birth to my first child and realized I had absolutely NOOO battery life. :-( then I remembered this app I installed and was immediately impressed with it’s ability to absorb energy so quickly! After 12 hours of labor and holding my son for the first time I was able to call every family member with no charger! What a blessing! ;) – Nikkie
Solar Charger will melt your phone with all the energy it outputs
Don’t download it, it will break your phone. Installed it on my new SGS2, Worked fine for 2 first weeks, saved a lot of electricity. Than I went on vacation to Hawaii, left my phone on the sunny hotel balcony to charge for the day. When I returned, the battery had melted from the vast amount of energy received. If you still want to download the app, use it only in moonlight – Gustavs
Solar Charger is the ultimate beach accessory
Great app!! Solved my biggest problem when i spend my weekend at the beach!! It’s fully charged allll the freeeaaakin time :D :D thank youuuu – Lena
Solar Charger will power you’re 1980s electric tricycle
I’m running my Sinclair C5 off the power generated by this bad boy! Top dev… thanks man! – Graham
Solar Charger will turn wolves into giraffes
As I was walking about generally being awesome I found myself being chased by a vicious pack of wolves. I panicked and ran away eventually they trapped me against a rock. I swiftly pulled out my phone turned on this app and harnessed the suns power and turned the wolves to giraffes. I then rode off home to write this review – Jack
What about you?
These are just a small sample of the treasure trove of fake reviews you can read on the Solar Charger page from Google Play. Every now and then, you can read a sincerely outraged 1-star review complaining about the app not working. Of course, they only serve to make the fake reviews more enjoyable.
Tell us your own experiences with Solar Charger!